Bartesian Cocktail Maker reviewed: convenient cocktails

There are plenty of hot drink makers, but what about the cold ones? If you fancy a cocktail, the $649 Bartesian Cocktail Maker could be the adult bevy machine for you.

You can find a gadget for just about anything in your life, all to improve the convenience of living on this planet. A gadget for making coffee, a gadget for heating bread and making toast, a gadget to help you clean the floors, and a gadget to replace your wallet.

Gadgets and electronics galore for every important aspect of your existence, and now it seems a gadget to help you make cocktails, too.

If you’ve ever had one of those days where you just need a margarita or old fashioned, or maybe you’re entertaining and don’t want to spend all night in the kitchen with several shakers trying to show off skills you may or may not have, the Bartesian Cocktail Maker could just be the gadget to help you out.

But is it worth the $650 cost, and more importantly: are the cocktails it makes worth drinking?

What is the Bartesian Cocktail Maker?

Very much all in name, the Bartesian Cocktail Maker is very much like a Nespresso machine but for more adult beverages. American readers will probably see it as more a Keurig K-Cup for alcohol, but here in Australia (and to an extend New Zealand), it’s another of the capsule machines with a focus on alcoholic cocktails.

The idea pretty much follows the same concept: insert a capsule, select your strength, throw your glass under the spout, and let the machine do its thing. Like a coffee pod machine, only with alcohol instead of caffeinated beverages.

What does it do?

As the name suggests, the “Bartesian” is a machine that brings the bar to you, specifically focused on cocktails. That’s the gist of things, though it can also make mocktails, too, handy if you want to make an identical drink sans-alcohol.

It works much like other pod machines, which means you load in some water with a tank at the back, and then fill up the five 900ml glass bottles for each spirit you need to use.

You don’t have to fill up every bottle you’re not using, but the bottles are labelled as are the bottle ports, covering whisky, tequila, vodka, and a port that doubles up for gin and rum, dependent on what the cocktail recipe calls for, using one at a time.

Does it do the job?

You will definitely get cocktails out of the Bartesian, and you can get them with a choice of alcoholic strengths: mocktail, light, regular, and strong.

The higher the strength, the more alcohol is used, and if you pick “mocktail”, clearly that alcohol will be replaced by more water. It’s pretty simply to pick, and it’s remarkably easy to use, too. The system picks up on the right alcohol to use courtesy of the barcode on the top of the capsule, and while there is an instruction manual, it’s not a gadget you really need to think about to use.

The literal operation is fill the glass bottle of the alcohol you need in your bevy, plug it in, throw the pod into the machine, put the glass with ice (or a shaker) under the spout, and then pick your alcoholic strength on the small touchscreen up top. When you’re done, take the pod out and throw it in the bin, otherwise the machine’s touchscreen will continue blinking at you reminding you to do so.

What does it need?

After watching that screen blink at us to take the pod out for a full 24 hours, it’s pretty clear the screen and the machine could have more smarts. You’ll know you need to the next time you open the machine, so having it waste tiny amounts of electricity to remind you is a silly decision.

However, it’s also not a “smart” machine, so even if Bartesian grows the feature set over time, it’s pretty clear your machine will stay as it is. There’s no WiFi or Bluetooth here; it’s just an electronic machine with a touchscreen for varying alcoholic strength and the occasional setup for cleaning and switching gin to rum (which both share the same alcohol port).

The use of glass bottles is interesting, because it makes for a good looking machine, but with most bottle necks being the same two sizes, one wonders why Bartesian didn’t opt for a filter plug that lets you just attach a drink bottle straight to the machine.

Bartesian’s approach probably looks better and more cleaner than having random bottles plugged into your cocktail maker, but pouring the alcohol to a glass bottle is an extra step in preparation of your bevy, and means you need to buy one litre bottles to make the machine look as good as it can.

Once your alcohol is in, you can get cocktails out of the machine, but only if you have the right capsule, and that presents another problem, especially here in Australia.

More cocktail capsule choices

In America where Bartesian hails from, there are over 60 varieties of the capsules you need to use to make the machine work. Espresso Martini, Blackberry Margarita, Jalapeno Lime Shrub, Amaretto Sour, and so on. Lots of choices.

In Australia? The number is somewhere between six and eight covering standards like a Hurricane and Whisky Sour, and judging by the website and the limited other places you can get them from, all also sold out, too.

To recap, Australians have a limited selection and an equally limited stock, at least at the time of review.

We checked out a BWS and Dan Murphy’s, as well — the sort of places you’d expect to find alcohol and cocktail mixers — and they weren’t found at either. Distribution appears marked for online and local electronic retailers, which is definitely a decision.

However, it’s one that also comes with a local problem: Bartesian hasn’t partnered with any local alcohol players yet, either.

Australian cocktail partners

Australia has a rich alcohol industry thanks to just how many excellent vineyards, distillers, and spirit makers, as well as all of those amazing breweries, too. In the spirits world, you don’t need to look far to see locals trying their hands at ready-to-go bottled cocktails, with makers such as Archie Rose, Four Pillars, and Starward getting in, to name a few.

But are any making or collaborating on capsules for the Bartesian? Not yet, it seems.

Representatives told us that while its current capsules were made in Italy, it was “open to local production and partnerships with local alcohol brands”, so that’s at least something. We just really need it to happen, because Australians are making such excellent beverages, and this would only help improve the machine.

However, it’s not the only way the Bartesian could get better.

A way to muddle fresh ingredients in

A lack of cocktail choice in Australia is one issue, as is a lack of local ingredients, but heaven forbid if you want to muddle some fresh ingredients in, you’re out of luck.

Want some fresh cherry in your hurricane? Add it after the fact. How about some fresh lemon in a lemon drop? Nah, no chance on this process. Squirt of lime juice directly in the margarita? Same problem.

Looking at the current design of the Bartesian, we get why: it’s a capsule system that feeds water and alcohol to a small pod seemingly of cordials. It’s not a “fresh” cocktail maker, not like how you can do it yourself. But that’s not to say it couldn’t have been.

A little compartment and a small masher for fresh ingredients wouldn’t have gone astray to muddle fruit into the mix before the alcohol was poured would have made these cocktails just that little bit better, and ideally more authentic. It could have been an optional step, but would it have made a better drink? Absolutely.

Unfortunately, it’s just one of the problems with the lack of control the Bartesian really affords.

Control over the recipes

If you had control over the recipes, or even the option to change what alcohol was being used, you might have even better drinks.

For instance, we didn’t use any whiskey-based cocktail recipes with the Bartesian, so our need for a whiskey bottle was rather pointless. But if we could define having two types of rum in the machine, we would easily have a better cocktail machine.

You only need to look at one of the better pod varieties Bartesian sent out way to try it out with: the hurricane.

An American cocktail staple hailing from New Orleans, it’s the drink you remember fondly from a trip to the French Quarter. Walking up and down Royal, Bourbon, and Decatur, to name a few, with a hurricane in a tall cup that can even be strapped to your neck by lanyard. In the Quarter, that drink can be frozen or liquid, but chances are that it’ll be made with two types of rum: dark and light.

Opt for the Bartesian Hurricane variety of capsule, however, and you’ll only get one choice of rum, largely by design: the Bartesian only supports one rum bottle at once.

Even a hurricane recipe on the New Orleans tourism page suggests two types of rum are used, but here in the world of Bartesian, no such luck. Your hurricane will only ever be light rum or dark rum, not both.

If Bartesian afforded you more control over the bottles in the machine, you could make your cocktails a little better.

Or even just drinkable.

While the hurricane was actually quite nice and the lemon drop drinkable, we found the cosmopolitan largely synthetic and needing more water. But your only choices are alcohol strength, so if you want to dilute the flavour of the premix with more water, there’s no way to control that from the machine.

Your options are for cocktail strength and nothing else.

The ability to dispense shots

One final thing we’d love is the ability to use your alcohol the way you want to. Which is to say you shouldn’t need to wait until you have a capsule in the Bartesian, but just a reason to drink.

Need a shot? It would be nice if you could just pour a standard shot from the menu, using the alcohol you already have in the machine. Make it a double. Or pour the coke and let the machine measure the right amount for you.

Unfortunately, you can’t do any of this. The Bartesian is not a be-all end-all bar replacement… it’s just a cocktail maker. Which is a shame, because it could be so much more.

Is it worth your money?

Bartesian’s biggest problem could be its price which in a nation of drinkers and a gluttony of alcohol can feel just a little over where it should be.

The machine is $649 in Australia, and that’s without the cocktail capsules, either. At the time of launch, they’re roughly $34 for a pack of 8, making each cocktail $4.25 before you bring your own booze, which you need (unless you’re making a mocktail).

Of course, you need to be able to find the capsules to even use the machine in the first place, and while you don’t need to fill each near-litre bottle to the limit to use the machine, it definitely looks better if you do.

However, it also means you’re probably paying a good $6 to $9 per cocktail once you add alcohol to the mix. Which isn’t necessarily any less expensive than a cocktail without using the Bartesian machine.

In short, you’re not really saving any money making cocktails using the Bartesian, but rather spending close to the same. It may actually be more economical to buy cocktail mixers or even some of the fancy pre-made bottled cocktails Australian distilleries offer.

Yay or nay?

Bartesian does offer one solid advantage over pre-made and mixers: it’s actually more convenient. It really does make convenient cocktails.

The capsules are easy to store, don’t expire for several months, and allow you to make an easy cheeky bevy whenever you want. It may be a little on the pricey side, but that’s a type of convenience people will pay for. It’s not unlike how Nespresso’s pod machines make it easier to make your morning routine a thing without heading to the local barista, or even how an ice cream maker can help you make a frozen dessert without venturing to the supermarket, provided you have eggs, cream, sugar, and milk.

There’s a gadget seemingly for everything, and something to help in your life. It’s no wonder someone has finally made a gadget for cocktails, too.

Will it be an assistant in your life? Maybe, but we’d probably wait until Bartesian brings in a lot more capsules to our neck of the woods, otherwise you’ll just be waiting around to use the machine and pouring your own drinks, anyway.